My daughter plays hard. She runs herself ragged. When she gets an ouchie, she wants Mama to kiss it. When she gets fussy, whiny, grouchy, demanding attention, she needs a hug. My son is a baby. He needs physical touch, hugs, to be held and all the things. My dogs want to be in laps or backed right into me if I’m sitting. My husband scores highest in physical touch on the love language test. I score a 1.
I often say with exasperation, “it’s so good to be so loved.” I don’t take it for granted. I love being loved. I love being needed. I am the one person all 5 of my immediate family members want and need the most. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
However, I need me too. I don’t like to do things half assed. I either do it or I don’t. There’s not a big in between for me. Being a wife and a mother are no different. Which means, I’m all in! This also means myself has been bumped waaaay down the priority list. Everyone eats before me. If the baby cries I will get him before I even pee in the morning (#bigdeal). I can’t go to sleep until I know they are both asleep. I am spread so thin which at times feels like failure.
When I was diagnosed with postpartum depression the number one thing both the doctor and midwife told me was that I needed to take care of myself. It was recommended to get a babysitter, to go off without Mike or the kids, to do things I enjoyed. So what did I do? I got a babysitter one time during the day. I left the house. I didn’t know where I should go or what I should do. I felt lost. I didn’t know what something for me was. My identity is being a wife and a mother and that is something for me. While I want more of me, this is a phase and a short phase at that. I know that it will pass and I will miss it. So in attempt to find a balance so I can be healthy which will help me be the wife and mother I want to be, I will also just be the wife and mother I want to be. This is what I want to be doing right now. I just need to give myself a mama hug occasionally too.
*Full disclosure: my husband does a lot for me that is worth recognition and I greatly appreciate. The top examples are when he is home every night he fills up my water and brings it to my bedside; and every morning he gets my coffee ready so all I have to do is push a button.
Post written November 1, 2018.