I’d like to say it was love at first sight. I’d like to say I was too overwhelmed with joy to recognize the fear. I’d like to say I’ve looked at you the way I do now from the moment I met you. I can’t say these things. I can say I was terrified. I can say I told your daddy I was afraid I wouldn’t love you. I can say I cried because you wouldn’t give me a second to breathe for the first few weeks of your life. I can say when you only wanted to use me to eat, but cuddled others I worried you wouldn’t like me.
Now, I look back at those times and wonder how I could have thought those things! When we bonded you became my girl. We conquered the tough times and decided to take on the world together. We recognized that sometimes it was going to be just the two of us and we said bring it on!
I realized that I wanted to be your everything, your strength, your security and your constant.
Then one day I looked back and realized you had become mine too.
We were blessed to have six months of you and me. No one else, just you and me. Now as time is getting closer to welcoming your brother into our lives, I look back on the last 21 months and rejoice in the time we’ve had as you and me. I want us both to remember that a new addition may be joining us, but we will always be us.
Some of my favorite moments with you have included:
How curious you have been from day one.
The excitement you began showing when you saw me.
When you began squeezing those tiny arms around my neck.
When you first said “Mama”. When you began calling for Mama.
How from just a few months old you could be grumpy with mom & dad, but if a stranger gave you attention you knew how to please the crowd.
How you love to entertain and flash a smile.
Gripping my finger so you could take your first steps.
The way your joy is irresistibly contagious. You brighten my day, my minutes, my thoughts!
The way you love food and if you see it not much can stop you from trying to get it. You have made many new friends by asking them to share their food with you.
You said “I love you,” then it became your favorite phrase. I now hear “I love you, Mama” about 32 times a day and it never gets old!
You began holding your hand up and motioning as you said “come on, Mama”.
The way you cannot contain your excitement.
The way you say “hello Mama!” when I walk into your room when you first wake up.
Asking me to rub your belly and telling me you wanted to hug mine.
The way you say “thank you, Mama” after nearly anything I do.
How you want a family hug with mommy and daddy; and you think you should get kisses if we kiss.
How you blow my mind with how smart you are every single day.
You are truly kind and loving.
The way you ask me for a hug when you get hurt or fall down or sometimes just want one.
The way you sing your favorite songs by singing the last word of every line. Or the fact that you have favorite songs and even do or make up motions!
The way you play so hard, dig in the dirt and bounce back from face plants all the while you want to wear the frilliest clothes and be a princess.
The way you’re you!
As I lay here 39 weeks pregnant with increasingly frequent and stronger contractions, looking back at pictures of you while you nap, I can’t help but get all the warm and fuzzies and even tears thinking of our time together. I am not ready to give that up. I am not ready for you to no longer be my only child. Then, you look at me and tell me you want a baby. You hug my belly and put your pacifier in my belly button to share with your “Abrahammy”, and I know that you are ready. You are ready to be a big sister. I know there will be days when you don’t want to share me and that will be ok. I know there will be days when you don’t want to be a big sister and that will be ok. I know there will be days when you don’t understand why I don’t have as much time to give to you and we will both cry, but that too will be ok. But ultimately, I know there will primarily be days that you are the best big sister this world has ever seen. I am already proud of the example you will be for him. I am proud of the days you will protect him, love him, help him, defend him and teach him.
The way you’re a sister will surely add to my long long list of favorite moments of you!!
Our last night together:
As the days brought us closer to the arrival of the newest addition of our family, I continued to be emotional about them also being numbered days of just the two of us. On Monday, February 5, we had the afternoon together. We played, we read and I struggled to keep up as contractions had began to be painful. After your dinner, I thought a bath could help my pain and you had to have one anyway so let’s make the most of it.
I ran a bubble bath in my tub and together, Mommy and Avera, had the best time! We laughed and played and sang about opposites. You blew my mind how smart you are telling me that hot is the opposite of cold. You asked for soap on your hands over and over again so you could wash my back. And did I say we laughed? Because we did!
This immediately became one of my all time favorite memories with you.
Daddy made it home from work just in time to help me get you out and put you to bed. Two hours later, I was on my way to the hospital to welcome your baby brother into the world.